I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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