you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
