No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
