I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
