im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
