You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
