She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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