i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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