so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
