if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
