Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
