i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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