Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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