I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
