Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
