Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
