Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Randomize
