Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize