i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
