So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
