I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
