Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize