do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize