Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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