Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
