some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
