I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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