I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Randomize
