So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
