Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
