he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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