you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
