Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
