I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
