Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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