I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize