so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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