Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
