i think my tv is drunk
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
