yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
