they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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