Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
the liver wants what the liver wants
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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