I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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