You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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