I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
