Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
