she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize