How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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