I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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