i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
