he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
