I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
