I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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