I think im going to throw up on grandma
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
