Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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