i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
