capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
