bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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