I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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